I haven't had time to write. Or, let's just be honest... I just don't know what to write about. I want to feel inspired to write.
One thing that has been weighing heavily on my mind is my ability (or lack thereof) to not care what people think of me. It's always been a problem. I pretend pretty well that I don't care. But I do. It's a flaw I wish I could banish into a black hole. I want to be liked. But I am constantly feeling misunderstood. Which makes me think, am I misunderstood? Or am I just unlikable? I don't really think I am unlikable, for the record. But it crosses my mind. I have moments of clarity where I say to myself, "This person does not matter to you. Be yourself. They have no idea who you are." Awesome! But those moments are often after days where I feel like the world is working against me. And I do not like to have negative thoughts.
So I think that a lot of what my problem is, and always has been, is that I am overly sensitive. If someone is angry or upset, I assume it is something I have done. Illogical. Irrational. Does me no good.
Each and every day, around other adults, I am not even myself. That's crazy. There are very few people in this world that I feel comfortable enough to just be 'me' around. I do not do it intentionally. I do it subconsciously and usually reflect on it at the end of the day when I am kicking myself in the ass.
That's mistrust. Mistrust in others to see me for who I am and love me in spite of it all. Because I have been through things that have made me feel very unlovable. And it's a process to pull yourself out of a dark hole like that. I have come so far. I am aware now, at least, what has kept me from forming any new, meaningful relationships (I don't mean romantic. Just relationships, in general). I do want so badly to be able to form connections again. Because believe me, no one wants a void in their heart where love should be.
So the finishing thoughts on this... a lovely quote found on a friend's pinterest board, which inspired me to write this blog....
Be yourself.
If you water yourself down to please people or to fit in or to not offend anyone, you lose the power, passion, the freedom and the joy of being uniquely you. It's much easier to love yourself when you're being yourself. - Dan Coppersmith
Thanks for stopping by.
♥Nikki
I can definitely relate to this post a little bit. I think that everyone has gone through this at some point in their lives. Its hard to overcome certain issues but it takes time. At times I have found myself acting certain ways around different people and kind of edited myself based on what was acceptable to the other person. I just got exhausted and flat out unhappy. It may feel like if you are completely yourself, someone may have a problem with it or have a bad opinion but if they they do then they don't matter. If they're jerks because you feel happy and comfortable when you are 100% yourself then I say pretend they don't exist.
ReplyDeleteFor the record, you are a very likeable person :) We have been friends since childhood and you really are a good person and friend. I do feel like you care a lot about those around you and because you have suffered certain losses, maybe you subconsciously feel afraid that it will continue to happen. Because of that you take things really hard and understandably may read into things.
Its easier said than done, but I can say from my own experience that if you train yourself not to care about others opinions, it can be insanely liberating. I think its easy for me to say this because I don't care for many people in general but I know you are more of a people person than I am. Just remember that you are awesome :)
I just saw this. I wonder how I can get notified of comments.
ReplyDelete