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Mosaic.

So I was spending time with my awesome friend last night. I may talk about her from time to time, because she is currently the only friend I spend time with on a regular basis. We shall call her Kaila (because that's her name. What else would I call her?) Wow, lame try at a joke, Nicole.

Anyways, we were hanging out and her semi-new bf, David, came over. I was letting them use my washer and dryer to get some laundry done before their mini vaca to NOLA.

Something occured to me throughout and after they left. I was being very outgoing. And I was pretty uncomfortable most of the time while doing so. Now as I said in my last post, I am mostly an introvert until I get to know you. I feel that maybe this is a good thing. I am not sure yet.  I can only assume that subconsciously I am trying to be more social with those I am not comfortable with because I know I need to meet more/new people. David is a gentleman. A texas good ol' boy who would have been perfectly fine with me just being my normal, quiet self. This I am sure of. But I still felt the need to push the envelope on my comfort zone.

With that said, I want to talk about love (with these two around, how could I not think of it? They are an adorable couple). I am having a hard time with the idea that "love will find me. Stop looking." While I am not looking, per say, if I continue on this path I am on, there is no chance for me to ever meet my partner in life. When you want something,  you do everything in your power to achieve it. But not love! No, you wait for that!  You wait for it to wander upon your doorstep!  Now, I am not so sure that for a woman like me, that it would actually work that way.

A woman like me? Let me elaborate.  I spend my days working and my nights taking care of kids. My weekends... I also have the kids with the exception of 8-10 hours every other Sunday. And when those Sunday's come, I want to relax!

So what is a girl like me to do? A friend of mine recently mentioned a blind date. The very first thing I thought of was "let me lose 20 lbs first." I think that is a sad way for me to exist. Logically speaking, a man worthy of my time and my love will see past the imperfections I see in myself. And if he can't love me as what I see, at my worst, then he doesn't deserve to love me at my best. Period. Right?

So that is a struggle. I want love. I have love to give.  I know that with everything I have learned through my divorce and some incidents with men afterwards, I have the tools to create a wonderful,  loving,  strong relationship.  But I have to let it in. I have to give myself a chance before I shoot myself down thinking I am undeserving,  or that said man is too good for me.

I am only me. That is all I can ever be. Take me as am now, and help me grow into the woman I strive for. Otherwise, my heart doesn't need someone like you. I have worked too hard to glue the pieces back. It is a mosaic of love, pain, hope, and dreams. ♥

Thanks for stopping by.

♥Nicole

The picture below is me in 2011 and now in 2014. 20 lbs weight gain due to some health issues and poor choices. But I still see the same woman in the eyes on the right. I will get back to feeling good in my skin. On my own time. ♥

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