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Things I don't say.

The things I don’t say.
But I want to.
I am way too nice. I have my moments. But chances are, if you ask me for help, I am there. I will do anything for you. But I will not ask you for help. I am infinitely capable of handling anything and everything on my own. At least that it what I will tell you. Please know, that is a lie and I am incapable of asking for assistance. Pride? I don’t know. I just know that I do this thing, even when I am using the last ounce of energy I have left to do so.  And I would not imagine putting anyone else out in the process.
I think it is a waste of life to be spiteful. I have witnessed so many people this past year use spite as a weapon. And I think that is a good portion of what is wrong with the world. WHY is everyone so angry? My gosh, just try to be loving. It really is not that hard.
Forgiveness really does release your heart from pain that you shouldn’t have to carry. I know this deeply and most personally.
Oh, and I guess I will be taboo. I will talk about my desire for love. When you are IN love, it seems to be appropriate to relish in it, to boast of it, and to shout from the rooftops your joy and bliss. I have noticed that any time I have mentioned my desire for love – I am told why I do not have it.
1)     You do not put yourself out there.
(I did. I went on a date. The guy ignored me after. Which is fine. But I did in fact put myself out there.)
2)     You are looking too hard.
(No, No I am not. I am not looking. I am too busy to look. I am raising two children on my own and I work a full-time job. The only think I am looking for is a nap. And for someone to do my laundry.)
3)     Try online dating. It’s the thing to do now!
(I am not interested in online dating. I know it works for some people. And I am not knocking it at all. I just feel like it is not for me. At least for now.)
4)     You are NOT missing anything / You can have mine / DO NOT get married again
(You would not believe how much I hear these things. I think it’s all meant to be funny. But I feel offended when people talk about love with such disregard. Yeah, it’s not all fun and games… but… it is something that is meant to be treasured. Maybe I am naïve. But I have been alone for so long. And I feel in my heart that when I have it, I will cherish it – even when I want to strangle the guy.)

2017 – I hope you are the year that will end my reign of loneliness. 6 ½ years is a long time for someone like me to not feel loved and wanted. Let’s not make it 7 ½ by this time next year. Deal?
See what I mean, though? It is taboo to talk about your desire for love. It makes one seem desperate or pathetic – at least that is how I feel that it comes across for me. But, I am not. I will continue to live my life without a partner for as long as it takes to find my match. It is okay for me to want companionship, and to talk about wanting it without being reprimanded or judged.

To end, I know that I talk like a flower-child. But I do believe in peace, love and happiness. And I will continue to hold on to that hope, because it keeps my heart going. Do what works for you, and I will do what works for me. 

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