Skip to main content

Things I don't say.

The things I don’t say.
But I want to.
I am way too nice. I have my moments. But chances are, if you ask me for help, I am there. I will do anything for you. But I will not ask you for help. I am infinitely capable of handling anything and everything on my own. At least that it what I will tell you. Please know, that is a lie and I am incapable of asking for assistance. Pride? I don’t know. I just know that I do this thing, even when I am using the last ounce of energy I have left to do so.  And I would not imagine putting anyone else out in the process.
I think it is a waste of life to be spiteful. I have witnessed so many people this past year use spite as a weapon. And I think that is a good portion of what is wrong with the world. WHY is everyone so angry? My gosh, just try to be loving. It really is not that hard.
Forgiveness really does release your heart from pain that you shouldn’t have to carry. I know this deeply and most personally.
Oh, and I guess I will be taboo. I will talk about my desire for love. When you are IN love, it seems to be appropriate to relish in it, to boast of it, and to shout from the rooftops your joy and bliss. I have noticed that any time I have mentioned my desire for love – I am told why I do not have it.
1)     You do not put yourself out there.
(I did. I went on a date. The guy ignored me after. Which is fine. But I did in fact put myself out there.)
2)     You are looking too hard.
(No, No I am not. I am not looking. I am too busy to look. I am raising two children on my own and I work a full-time job. The only think I am looking for is a nap. And for someone to do my laundry.)
3)     Try online dating. It’s the thing to do now!
(I am not interested in online dating. I know it works for some people. And I am not knocking it at all. I just feel like it is not for me. At least for now.)
4)     You are NOT missing anything / You can have mine / DO NOT get married again
(You would not believe how much I hear these things. I think it’s all meant to be funny. But I feel offended when people talk about love with such disregard. Yeah, it’s not all fun and games… but… it is something that is meant to be treasured. Maybe I am naïve. But I have been alone for so long. And I feel in my heart that when I have it, I will cherish it – even when I want to strangle the guy.)

2017 – I hope you are the year that will end my reign of loneliness. 6 ½ years is a long time for someone like me to not feel loved and wanted. Let’s not make it 7 ½ by this time next year. Deal?
See what I mean, though? It is taboo to talk about your desire for love. It makes one seem desperate or pathetic – at least that is how I feel that it comes across for me. But, I am not. I will continue to live my life without a partner for as long as it takes to find my match. It is okay for me to want companionship, and to talk about wanting it without being reprimanded or judged.

To end, I know that I talk like a flower-child. But I do believe in peace, love and happiness. And I will continue to hold on to that hope, because it keeps my heart going. Do what works for you, and I will do what works for me. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Introduction

Mom to Autumn and Lucas. 2008-present Sometimes it feels like the only job I have is mother. Anyone who has done a resume understands the above. :) So where is the balance? For me, as a very single mom, it can be difficult. I work a full time job and come home to take care of two kids, a dog, a house, and a car all on my own. Now if you're a superstar and find no difficulty in accomplishing all of this without being constantly exhausted, please, for the love of all that is holy and good, tell me how! LOL! I find myself questioning my abilities on a daily basis. ● Am I giving enough? ● Am I teaching them enough? ● Am I being too hard on them? ● Am I disciplining them enough? ● Am I a horrible mother for giving them pb&j with applesauce and cheeze its for dinner, because I am too damn tired to cook them a well balanced dinner tonight? .... the list goes on and on. Then... we go to bed [disclaimer: I share my bed with my children. They rarely sl...
1 comment
Read more

A Letter To My Daughter On Her 9th Birthday

♥️ My Dear Autumn,  Today, you are 9! You were born on December 8, 2008. You were 5 lbs, 11 oz and were 19 inches long. As I look at you today, I am reminded that life is short. You stand before me a budding young woman. I don’t know that I will ever be able to accurately describe to you what it’s like to love you. I fall short of being a perfect mother. I make mistakes. And all the while, you give me grace. Your heart is pure. You are just like me, Autumn. Knowing what I know, and how this life has shaped me into who I am, and the struggles I had along the way — it is my mission to give you every tool you need to take all the qualities the world will look at as weak, and help you to turn them into a driving force of love and positivity. You will impact so many with your passion and creativity. I want to thank you. You turned me into a mother. You gave me life. You continue, daily, to challenge me in ways I never knew you would. This life is not easy, sweetie plum. But I promise yo...
Post a Comment
Read more

Never too late

I took my first ever placement exam for college yesterday. I was so nervous beforehand. I really thought I was going to throw up. It was surprisingly not that bad. I did really well on reading and writing and not so well on math. Listen though, my expectations of my math grade were not high going into this. When you start putting letters into math, my brain explodes.  11 years ago, the thought of going to college didn't even occur to me. The last year of High school, my father was very sick. He did end up making it to my high school graduation, then I went to visit him in Illinois  (where he and most of my family reside) that September. By November, he was gone. At that point, all I wanted to do was get away. And so I did. I met my ex husband and within 2 weeks we were off to Texas. Probably not the smartest decision I've ever made. It's something I would definitely never want either of my kids to do. But, I was in love. And I was broken. And I wanted love to fix my broken...
Post a Comment
Read more