To be determined

I took my first ever placement exam for college yesterday. I was so nervous beforehand. I really thought I was going to throw up. It was surprisingly not that bad. I did really well on reading and writing and not so well on math. Listen though, my expectations of my math grade were not high going into this. When you start putting letters into math, my brain explodes.  11 years ago, the thought of going to college didn't even occur to me. The last year of High school, my father was very sick. He did end up making it to my high school graduation, then I went to visit him in Illinois  (where he and most of my family reside) that September. By November, he was gone. At that point, all I wanted to do was get away. And so I did. I met my ex husband and within 2 weeks we were off to Texas. Probably not the smartest decision I've ever made. It's something I would definitely never want either of my kids to do. But, I was in love. And I was broken. And I wanted love to fix my broken...

I have no idea what I want to do with my life. For the past 7 years my focus has been on being a mother. And now, at almost 30 years old, it's time to start thinking about myself. It's something I am not very good at. I want more for my kids. I want more for me. So in January, 11 1/2 years after graduating from High School, I will be starting college. I can't believe I am actually doing it.  I am nervous. I am excited. I am really happy. I am terrified. Mostly terrified that it will take me 10 years to earn my Bachelor's Degree. I have to figure out a way around that. I want this to work. But I also will not sacrifice time with my kids. People say, "but you are showing them a good example. That's what they will remember." That's fine and dandy. I get that. But I highly doubt that my good example is what my kids will remember fondly about me if I were to kick the bucket 2 years from now. For me, there needs to be a balance. Otherwise this cannot work f...

It has been nearly a year since I've last blogged. But I've decided I need to start up again. Hopefully I can stay on track. Our life right now is filled with busy activities. School, homework, housework,etc. Now that both kids are in elementary school, we don't have a spare minute during the week. It is tiresome and exciting all at once. Here is a twist for you. . . I start school in January. I don't know what I was thinking. For me to even get a general associates degree, with the time I am able to put into it, it'll probably take me 5 years. But, I am doing it anyways. School will now be a permanent fixture in my life, whether I like it or not. Some days I like it, others not (and I haven't even started yet). Let's not even talk about love. I thought I was too busy to find it before... ha! Single:5 years and counting. Hey, that could be TLC show , right?! Haha. Truth is, I'm not too worried about it. These are the best years of...

I often wonder when I will be free to express myself. What hurts me, I must keep to myself as to not hurt someone else in the process. I could write 5 pages worth of how I FEEL right now. But I am going to just say that I feel drained. I also feel like a hippie (that was meant to be funny, not awkward-sounding). Because I believe that peace, love, and happiness can co-exist, even in the midst of chaos. But no one else does. A couple of things weighing heavy on me: 1. Love should be unconditional. That is love between spouses, and love between family members. You should love the people you love with your whole heart without expectation. It took me a long time to get that. 2. HATE gets you absolutely no where. Except for down. That's what hate gets you. 3. Having "something" to hurt another person when shit gets tough is the equivalent of running away. You can run away, but there you are. And guess what? There you will always be. Does that make you feel good? ...

I often wonder if I really know the people around me. I have had so many relationships where I have put my whole trust in someone, only to find out later on, that there true colors were never exposed to me fully. I feel, with all my heart, that when I love someone, whether it be in friendship or a romantic relationship, that I give myself to that person. I am me. I find it hard to be anything but. Well, I felt that way. Maybe not anymore. Because, as it turns out, I have withheld the corners of my heart for quite some time. I am a happy person... do not get me wrong. But there is so much more to me than what I portray. I am, by nature, a sensitive, emotional, serious person. I have focused so much on trying to be "light" and "laid-back" that I have, as I said, withheld myself from those I love. I have a connection issue. It is something I have been working on for over a year now. I have friends, but I do not feel connected to them in a way I felt before. It is a d...

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centered; Forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; Be kind anyway. If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies; Succeed anyway. If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you; Be honest and frank anyway. What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight; Build anyway. If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous; Be happy anyway. The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow; Do good anyway. Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough; Give the world the best you've got anyway. You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and your God; It was never between you and them anyway. VERY heavy on my mind and heart today. I have so much more I could say, but I think this is enough. I think that everyone should read this today and take it all in.  It's something I strive...

I was a wayward child With the weight of the world That I held deep inside Life was a winding road And I learned many things Little ones shouldn't know But I closed my eyes Steadied my feet on the ground Raised my head to the sky And though times roll by Still I feel like a child As I look at the moon Maybe I grew up, a little too soon Funny how one can learn To grow numb to the madness And block it away I left the worst unsaid Let it all dissipate And I try to forget As I close my eyes Steadied my feet on the ground Raised my head to the sky And though time rolled by Still I feel like a child As I look at the moon Maybe I grew up, a little too soon Nearing the edge, oblivious I almost Fell right over, a part of me Will never be quite able To feel stable That woman-child flailing inside Was on the verge of fading Thankfully I woke up in time Guardian angel I sail away On an ocean with you by my side Orange clouds roll by They burn into your image And you're still alive...