To be determined

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centered; Forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; Be kind anyway. If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies; Succeed anyway. If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you; Be honest and frank anyway. What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight; Build anyway. If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous; Be happy anyway. The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow; Do good anyway. Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough; Give the world the best you've got anyway. You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and your God; It was never between you and them anyway. VERY heavy on my mind and heart today. I have so much more I could say, but I think this is enough. I think that everyone should read this today and take it all in.  It's something I strive...

I was a wayward child With the weight of the world That I held deep inside Life was a winding road And I learned many things Little ones shouldn't know But I closed my eyes Steadied my feet on the ground Raised my head to the sky And though times roll by Still I feel like a child As I look at the moon Maybe I grew up, a little too soon Funny how one can learn To grow numb to the madness And block it away I left the worst unsaid Let it all dissipate And I try to forget As I close my eyes Steadied my feet on the ground Raised my head to the sky And though time rolled by Still I feel like a child As I look at the moon Maybe I grew up, a little too soon Nearing the edge, oblivious I almost Fell right over, a part of me Will never be quite able To feel stable That woman-child flailing inside Was on the verge of fading Thankfully I woke up in time Guardian angel I sail away On an ocean with you by my side Orange clouds roll by They burn into your image And you're still alive...

So yesterday my little man was sick. He woke up very early crying and screaming in pain. It got to the point where I felt it best that I take him to the ER. I had tried to get him an appt on Friday, but they only had one right in the middle of my work day. Turns out my little buddy has a sinus infection and a double ear infection. So I stayed home and took care of him yesterday! This blog isn't about lucas being sick, though. As I woke up this morning, holding him in my arms, I felt so sad that I would have to drop him off somewhere else.... for somebody else to play with him. I have missed the window. I have always wanted to be a stay at home mom. And I missed it. Being a single mom, that is pretty much impossible. I want to get out in the Sunshine on a Wednesday at 10 am and take my kids to the park. I want to take them on a hike. I want to do a scavenger hunt with them on a Friday afternoon. I am away from my house from 745am-545/6pm Monday through friday. When we get home I ...

I had a dream last night about an ex boyfriend. But it wasn't ABOUT him. Let me explain. It looked like him. But in the dream I knew it was just a man that looked like him. I know this sounds strange. First of all, let me say I have no feelings left over for any guy I have dated. Everything happened as it should have. This man was just the chosen one to run this dream. The dream was based on a crazy day of spending time with my children and I. A day in which this man had to step up and take care of children who were not his own. In the dream, the day was fun. It was full of twists and turns, but this man took to this responsibility because he loved me. And he was learning to love my kids as well.  At some point we got separated and once home I was waiting on him and the kids. Finally they arrived. And he was unhappy. He wouldn't speak to me at first and needed a few minutes to himself. It was too much. My ready made family was just too much. I remember feeling defeated. I ...

It's been a while since my last post. I have been very busy. So the last two Mondays (this one is included), I have woken up unhappy to go to work. It actually has nothing to to with the job itself. I like my job and the people I work with. Last weekend, I just wanted more day. This morning, I woke up saying to myself, "What am I doing with my life?" Deep inside, I have a gypsy soul, and feel the urge for change. Which is funny. I am not spontaneous. But I am impulsive. There is something I have been thinking about for quite a long time. But it will never come to fruition. My heart tells me I belong up north so that my children can grow up around and know their family (both my mom and dad's side). But their dad lives here. And I wouldn't pull them away like that. No matter how much I may want to be closer to my own family. Other than that, I feel like something is missing. I work. I take care of the kids . Wouldn't really have it any other way since ev...

I haven't had time to write. Or, let's just be honest... I just don't know what to write about. I want to feel inspired to write. One thing that has been weighing heavily on my mind is my ability (or lack thereof) to not care what people think of me. It's always been a problem. I pretend pretty well that I don't care. But I do. It's a flaw I wish I could banish into a black hole. I want to be liked. But I am constantly feeling misunderstood. Which makes me think,  am I misunderstood?  Or am I just unlikable?  I don't really think I am unlikable,  for the record. But it crosses my mind. I have moments of clarity where I say to myself,  "This person does not matter to you. Be yourself. They have no idea who you are." Awesome! But those moments are often after days where I feel like the world is working against me. And I do not like to have negative thoughts. So I think that a lot of what my problem is, and always has been,  is that I am overly sens...

So I was spending time with my awesome friend last night. I may talk about her from time to time, because she is currently the only friend I spend time with on a regular basis. We shall call her Kaila (because that's her name. What else would I call her?) Wow, lame try at a joke, Nicole. Anyways, we were hanging out and her semi-new bf, David, came over. I was letting them use my washer and dryer to get some laundry done before their mini vaca to NOLA. Something occured to me throughout and after they left. I was being very outgoing. And I was pretty uncomfortable most of the time while doing so. Now as I said in my last post, I am mostly an introvert until I get to know you. I feel that maybe this is a good thing. I am not sure yet.  I can only assume that subconsciously I am trying to be more social with those I am not comfortable with because I know I need to meet more/new people. David is a gentleman. A texas good ol' boy who would have been perfectly fine with me just ...