To be determined

♥️ My Dear Autumn,  Today, you are 9! You were born on December 8, 2008. You were 5 lbs, 11 oz and were 19 inches long. As I look at you today, I am reminded that life is short. You stand before me a budding young woman. I don’t know that I will ever be able to accurately describe to you what it’s like to love you. I fall short of being a perfect mother. I make mistakes. And all the while, you give me grace. Your heart is pure. You are just like me, Autumn. Knowing what I know, and how this life has shaped me into who I am, and the struggles I had along the way — it is my mission to give you every tool you need to take all the qualities the world will look at as weak, and help you to turn them into a driving force of love and positivity. You will impact so many with your passion and creativity. I want to thank you. You turned me into a mother. You gave me life. You continue, daily, to challenge me in ways I never knew you would. This life is not easy, sweetie plum. But I promise yo...

It has been quite a while since I've written. December to be exact. And now, here we are, almost to the middle of September 2017. Much has changed. Since then, the kids and I have moved into my moms house. The three of us are sleeping in one room. I have a cot for one to sleep on, and the other sleeps with me. They rotate nights, so they each get their turn to snuggle with me. Why, at thirty-one, am I living with my mother? It's not as bad as it sounds. I didn't lose my job. I'm not falling on hard times.  I AM BUYING A HOUSE!  In the last six months since we moved in, I have been working my tail off to get my credit right (my score has increased over 100 points in that time), I have been paying down debts, and saving where I can. Six months from now, when I start to look for houses, I will be where I need to be. I am so proud of myself. One year out of my life, living uncomfortably, is worth the rest of our lives feeling secure.  I also put a pin in college. I did two ...

The things I don’t say. But I want to. I am way too nice. I have my moments. But chances are, if you ask me for help, I am there. I will do anything for you. But I will not ask you for help. I am infinitely capable of handling anything and everything on my own. At least that it what I will tell you. Please know, that is a lie and I am incapable of asking for assistance. Pride? I don’t know. I just know that I do this thing, even when I am using the last ounce of energy I have left to do so.  And I would not imagine putting anyone else out in the process. I think it is a waste of life to be spiteful. I have witnessed so many people this past year use spite as a weapon. And I think that is a good portion of what is wrong with the world. WHY is everyone so angry? My gosh, just try to be loving. It really is not that hard. Forgiveness really does release your heart from pain that you shouldn’t have to carry. I know this deeply and most personally. Oh, and I guess I will be ta...

Welcome to my 2nd post about our Disney Vacation. This post is dedicated to our hotel/condo accommodations. Originally, we were going to get a hotel on resort, like many people do. Either that, or I was going to try to find the cheapest hotel closet to the resort. I am a mama on a budget, after all. But then, a very generous friend offered use of her timeshare. We are staying a total of 5 nights and are paying UNDER $300. Can you believe it? This really helps, because its not just a hotel - its a condo with a kitchen and a washer and dryer. We will be COMFORTABLE. I know I am not the only one who feels cramped and uncomfortable in a hotel room. This way, we get the basic comforts of home while enjoying the most magical vacation. What more could we ask for? So without further ado - Vacation Village at Parkway Orlando Here is the floor plan for the condo. It sleeps a total of 8 people. I have dreamed for years about taking my kids to Disney World. This trip is t...

In the blink of an eye... I have become a thirty-year-old woman. I think that when you reach certain ages, it is fairly normal to evaluate your life to determine if you are where you are supposed to be. And I am certainly no exception. I have actually for the most part - been GENUINELY excited to start this new decade of my life. A lot happened in my 20's. Good things, bad things, mediocre things... All of which I am grateful for. Without those challenges, my life would be drastically different. Here are some things that happened in my 20's that I LOVED: 1. Autumn Elaine (22) 2. Lucas Alan (23) 3. Started a new job at Home Instead Senior Care at 24, just days after my ex-husband left. This job brought many good things to my life - including 2 women who I will always consider friends. I learned about living independently, and that I COULD go on without a spouse and be just fine. 4. At 26 (almost 27), I started working at Twin Cities Family Practice. So far, it is the best j...

"If you can dream it, you can do it." - Walt Disney  In less than five months, the kids and I will be in the most magical place on Earth! I have wanted for so long to take the kids on a Walt Disney World Vacation, but it has never worked out until now. And honestly, I think the timing is perfect. The kids will be just under 8 and 7, and will be able to enjoy most rides. SO EXCITING. I may be more excited than everyone else. Just maybe! So for our first official Disney Vaca, there will be a group of us going.  We will be going during what is considered a low-crowd time, for which I am so grateful. Not only that, but we are going in November. Anyone who lives in FL knows how hot it is during the summer months, so I am very happy to be going during the winter. This vacation was first and foremost an early birthday present for the kids. They will be turning 7 and 8 in December. While December would have been more ideal, Disney is VERY busy around Christmas from what I ...

Wow, guys! What a crazy and busy week it was. I am so glad it is over. Last night was so peaceful. The kids fell asleep on me while we were watching TV, and I just thought to myself, "How lucky am I?" I am so lucky and grateful to have my kids. And they love me, faults and all. Unconditionally. As I do, them. This weekend is going to be pretty quiet. Full of laundry, cleaning, and all things domestic. I wish I could say we we're doing something fun and exciting, but it's hard to do fun and exciting things in dirty underwear, right?! Haha! Tomorrow we are going to the Williams house for Sunday Funday Pizza Night. I just made that up. I'll work on it.  I met with my advisor again. I have my first 4 semesters mapped out. And, even though I have to take a college prep math course that will not count towards my degree credit hours, after 1 full year, I will be halfway done with the AA portion of my degree. So, though I originally thought this may take me 6-8 y...

You make the difference. For moms like me who are working their tail off to ensure success for their child/children, it is YOU who makes the difference when I, otherwise, cannot be there. As a single mother trudging through the first couple years of school with my littles, I have been astounded by the support of wonderful teachers my kids have been so lucky to have. Specifically my son. I could go on and on about how wonderful, sweet, caring, and gentle he is. But let's get down to the nitty gritty. It's been a very tough transition. Lucas, for the past couple of years has had to endure change. When this change started happening,  it was realized that he doesn't do so well with it. Sometimes, change polarizes him. He withdrawls. He acts out. He basically becomes the worst version of himself. Let me be clear, I don't think badly of him. We all have a side we don't like of ourselves. That's a simple explanation to a very difficult matter we have been facing as ...

Halloween 2015 was a success! It started out with some snags, though! For weeks we have been talking about what the kids wanted to dress up as. Their minds changed often! Finally, the kids decided on a kitty ballerina and a vampire. I get the bad mom award for shopping too late for these costumes. Yesterday, I went out and got Lucas his vampire costume (the only one in the store in his size). He was so excited. I searched high and low in Crestview with absolutley no luck for Autumn's accessories; kitty ears, tail, and bow tie. At 930 pm Friday night, since the kids were with my mom, I drove down to Niceville Walmart and picked up the rest of her costume. We were finally ready. Or not. It is a darn good thing we decided to try Lucas' costume on yesterday morning. It was an ADULT size costume that had been stuffed in a child's costume bag. What were we going to do now?!? I took his costume back to the store. I knew Walgreens had a Darth Vader costume a couple weeks a...

I took my first ever placement exam for college yesterday. I was so nervous beforehand. I really thought I was going to throw up. It was surprisingly not that bad. I did really well on reading and writing and not so well on math. Listen though, my expectations of my math grade were not high going into this. When you start putting letters into math, my brain explodes.  11 years ago, the thought of going to college didn't even occur to me. The last year of High school, my father was very sick. He did end up making it to my high school graduation, then I went to visit him in Illinois  (where he and most of my family reside) that September. By November, he was gone. At that point, all I wanted to do was get away. And so I did. I met my ex husband and within 2 weeks we were off to Texas. Probably not the smartest decision I've ever made. It's something I would definitely never want either of my kids to do. But, I was in love. And I was broken. And I wanted love to fix my broken...

I have no idea what I want to do with my life. For the past 7 years my focus has been on being a mother. And now, at almost 30 years old, it's time to start thinking about myself. It's something I am not very good at. I want more for my kids. I want more for me. So in January, 11 1/2 years after graduating from High School, I will be starting college. I can't believe I am actually doing it.  I am nervous. I am excited. I am really happy. I am terrified. Mostly terrified that it will take me 10 years to earn my Bachelor's Degree. I have to figure out a way around that. I want this to work. But I also will not sacrifice time with my kids. People say, "but you are showing them a good example. That's what they will remember." That's fine and dandy. I get that. But I highly doubt that my good example is what my kids will remember fondly about me if I were to kick the bucket 2 years from now. For me, there needs to be a balance. Otherwise this cannot work f...

It has been nearly a year since I've last blogged. But I've decided I need to start up again. Hopefully I can stay on track. Our life right now is filled with busy activities. School, homework, housework,etc. Now that both kids are in elementary school, we don't have a spare minute during the week. It is tiresome and exciting all at once. Here is a twist for you. . . I start school in January. I don't know what I was thinking. For me to even get a general associates degree, with the time I am able to put into it, it'll probably take me 5 years. But, I am doing it anyways. School will now be a permanent fixture in my life, whether I like it or not. Some days I like it, others not (and I haven't even started yet). Let's not even talk about love. I thought I was too busy to find it before... ha! Single:5 years and counting. Hey, that could be TLC show , right?! Haha. Truth is, I'm not too worried about it. These are the best years of...

I often wonder when I will be free to express myself. What hurts me, I must keep to myself as to not hurt someone else in the process. I could write 5 pages worth of how I FEEL right now. But I am going to just say that I feel drained. I also feel like a hippie (that was meant to be funny, not awkward-sounding). Because I believe that peace, love, and happiness can co-exist, even in the midst of chaos. But no one else does. A couple of things weighing heavy on me: 1. Love should be unconditional. That is love between spouses, and love between family members. You should love the people you love with your whole heart without expectation. It took me a long time to get that. 2. HATE gets you absolutely no where. Except for down. That's what hate gets you. 3. Having "something" to hurt another person when shit gets tough is the equivalent of running away. You can run away, but there you are. And guess what? There you will always be. Does that make you feel good? ...

I often wonder if I really know the people around me. I have had so many relationships where I have put my whole trust in someone, only to find out later on, that there true colors were never exposed to me fully. I feel, with all my heart, that when I love someone, whether it be in friendship or a romantic relationship, that I give myself to that person. I am me. I find it hard to be anything but. Well, I felt that way. Maybe not anymore. Because, as it turns out, I have withheld the corners of my heart for quite some time. I am a happy person... do not get me wrong. But there is so much more to me than what I portray. I am, by nature, a sensitive, emotional, serious person. I have focused so much on trying to be "light" and "laid-back" that I have, as I said, withheld myself from those I love. I have a connection issue. It is something I have been working on for over a year now. I have friends, but I do not feel connected to them in a way I felt before. It is a d...

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centered; Forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; Be kind anyway. If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies; Succeed anyway. If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you; Be honest and frank anyway. What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight; Build anyway. If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous; Be happy anyway. The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow; Do good anyway. Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough; Give the world the best you've got anyway. You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and your God; It was never between you and them anyway. VERY heavy on my mind and heart today. I have so much more I could say, but I think this is enough. I think that everyone should read this today and take it all in.  It's something I strive...

I was a wayward child With the weight of the world That I held deep inside Life was a winding road And I learned many things Little ones shouldn't know But I closed my eyes Steadied my feet on the ground Raised my head to the sky And though times roll by Still I feel like a child As I look at the moon Maybe I grew up, a little too soon Funny how one can learn To grow numb to the madness And block it away I left the worst unsaid Let it all dissipate And I try to forget As I close my eyes Steadied my feet on the ground Raised my head to the sky And though time rolled by Still I feel like a child As I look at the moon Maybe I grew up, a little too soon Nearing the edge, oblivious I almost Fell right over, a part of me Will never be quite able To feel stable That woman-child flailing inside Was on the verge of fading Thankfully I woke up in time Guardian angel I sail away On an ocean with you by my side Orange clouds roll by They burn into your image And you're still alive...

So yesterday my little man was sick. He woke up very early crying and screaming in pain. It got to the point where I felt it best that I take him to the ER. I had tried to get him an appt on Friday, but they only had one right in the middle of my work day. Turns out my little buddy has a sinus infection and a double ear infection. So I stayed home and took care of him yesterday! This blog isn't about lucas being sick, though. As I woke up this morning, holding him in my arms, I felt so sad that I would have to drop him off somewhere else.... for somebody else to play with him. I have missed the window. I have always wanted to be a stay at home mom. And I missed it. Being a single mom, that is pretty much impossible. I want to get out in the Sunshine on a Wednesday at 10 am and take my kids to the park. I want to take them on a hike. I want to do a scavenger hunt with them on a Friday afternoon. I am away from my house from 745am-545/6pm Monday through friday. When we get home I ...

I had a dream last night about an ex boyfriend. But it wasn't ABOUT him. Let me explain. It looked like him. But in the dream I knew it was just a man that looked like him. I know this sounds strange. First of all, let me say I have no feelings left over for any guy I have dated. Everything happened as it should have. This man was just the chosen one to run this dream. The dream was based on a crazy day of spending time with my children and I. A day in which this man had to step up and take care of children who were not his own. In the dream, the day was fun. It was full of twists and turns, but this man took to this responsibility because he loved me. And he was learning to love my kids as well.  At some point we got separated and once home I was waiting on him and the kids. Finally they arrived. And he was unhappy. He wouldn't speak to me at first and needed a few minutes to himself. It was too much. My ready made family was just too much. I remember feeling defeated. I ...

It's been a while since my last post. I have been very busy. So the last two Mondays (this one is included), I have woken up unhappy to go to work. It actually has nothing to to with the job itself. I like my job and the people I work with. Last weekend, I just wanted more day. This morning, I woke up saying to myself, "What am I doing with my life?" Deep inside, I have a gypsy soul, and feel the urge for change. Which is funny. I am not spontaneous. But I am impulsive. There is something I have been thinking about for quite a long time. But it will never come to fruition. My heart tells me I belong up north so that my children can grow up around and know their family (both my mom and dad's side). But their dad lives here. And I wouldn't pull them away like that. No matter how much I may want to be closer to my own family. Other than that, I feel like something is missing. I work. I take care of the kids . Wouldn't really have it any other way since ev...

I haven't had time to write. Or, let's just be honest... I just don't know what to write about. I want to feel inspired to write. One thing that has been weighing heavily on my mind is my ability (or lack thereof) to not care what people think of me. It's always been a problem. I pretend pretty well that I don't care. But I do. It's a flaw I wish I could banish into a black hole. I want to be liked. But I am constantly feeling misunderstood. Which makes me think,  am I misunderstood?  Or am I just unlikable?  I don't really think I am unlikable,  for the record. But it crosses my mind. I have moments of clarity where I say to myself,  "This person does not matter to you. Be yourself. They have no idea who you are." Awesome! But those moments are often after days where I feel like the world is working against me. And I do not like to have negative thoughts. So I think that a lot of what my problem is, and always has been,  is that I am overly sens...